Helping A Friend Experiencing Interpersonal Violence

Throughout your time at Wake Forest, you’ll develop friendships that may last a lifetime. When someone you care about has been harmed by interpersonal violence, having support and help from friends is essential. But it can be overwhelming to know where to start when you’re supporting a friend who might be currently in a harmful relationship, experiencing interpersonal violence, or is struggling due to a past experience. 

What are Warning Signs?

It can be hard to tell if your friend is experiencing harm in their relationship, as people who abuse often do so away from others and use tactics that aren’t easily identifiable.  Often, abusive relationships start healthy and become harmful over time. Interpersonal violence may look different in different relationships.  

Below are some common ways abusive partners may exert power and control over your friend as the relationship becomes unhealthy:

• The relationship seems to move too quickly
• There is a sense of “too good to be true” very early in relationship
• Isolates your friend from family, friends, community, activities, work, school, etc.
• They do not honor your friend’s boundaries
• Displays jealousy, insecurities, and/or accused your friend of being unfaithful with no reason
• Monitors your friend’s location and/or digital communication
• Demands to have your friend’s passwords to accounts
• Criticizes, puts down, and/or frequently uses shame based language towards your friend
• Takes little to no ownership of their own behaviors
• Gaslights your friend
• Controls, misuses, abuses, or isolates your friend financially
• Has frequent explosive or impulsive outbursts, temper, or mood swings
• Makes threats of harm towards themself due to aspects of the relationship 
• Makes direct disclosures of past relationship violence
• Ignores consent
• Makes excessive calls, emails, DMS, and/or texts
• Limits contraception options or refuses safe sex practices
• You notice your friend has visible marks or bruises that concern you

What Can I Do To Help?

• Let your friend know you’re worried. Tell them directly you’re concerned they are experiencing interpersonal violence.  Provide them with specific examples of behaviors you have observed or they have told you about that are concerning. Avoid asking questions that may sound judgmental or blaming (i.e. “Why didn’t you break up with them already?” or “Why did you let them keep buying you drinks?”).
• Understand that people respond differently to being confronted about interpersonal violence. Some people may cry, while others may appear to be in shock, seem very calm and rational, or deny that anything is wrong in the relationship. Expect a range of emotions from your friend, and remember that regardless of how your friend is reacting emotionally, they need support.
• Be aware that leaving an abusive relationship is hard.  On average, people in abusive relationships make 7 attempts to leave the relationship before they commit to ending the relationship for good.  Leaving an abusive relationship can be scary and at times, dangerous. Try not to get frustrated with your friend if they are in a cycle of leaving and returning to their abusive partner. 
• Listen to your friend. Tell them you want to be there for them. Let your friend tell as much or as little about what happened as they would like, and avoid asking a lot of questions about the details of what happened.
• Encourage your friend to seek medical care if needed. Let them know about resources such as Safe Office and Deacon Health.  It is always recommended to seek out preventative care in the case of being sexually assaulted, including STI testing and pregnancy testing for biologically female identifying survivors.  You can offer to call for them, walk them to the Safe Office or Deacon Health, or be a support if they need to go to a local hospital.
• Empower your friend. Let them make their own decisions including how and when to seek help. However, if you are concerned about your friend’s safety at any time, get help immediately by calling 911 or University Police at 336.758.5911, or accessing our 24/7 confidential helpline at 336.758.5285.
• Educate your friend about supports available.  Let them know the Safe Office is Wake Forest’s free, confidential resource for concerns like what they are going through.  Show them our services and what to expect.  Let your friend know there are other confidential and non-confidential supports available on campus, in the community, and nationally.
• Continue supporting them during the recovery process. Recovering from instances of interpersonal violence is different for everyone, yet most survivors report that continued support from friends and family is an important part of the healing process. In addition to the Safe Office, you can also encourage friends to utilize other campus resources including the University Counseling Center, the Office of the Chaplain or off-campus at Family Services. Working with a professional can help speed the recovery process.
• Get support for yourself. Having a friend who has been impacted by interpersonal violence can be a very emotional experience. Be aware of your limits (remember, you are a friend, not a counselor), take care of yourself and seek support as needed. Even if your friend is not ready to get help, you can use the resources available for you.

Want more information on how to support friends? Visit Love Is Respect for even more information.